How I Was
by lightningpelt
Summary: "If I was... how I was..." Melody dwells upon what might have been, had the Sonata never touched her. Onesided ? KuraMelody


**(A/N) I got Melody added to the character list today. :D And posted this in honor of the occasion. **

**This plot bunny needed to be written. It just struck me as an interesting concept. I think this pairing has a lot of potential, actually. ^^ **

**I do not own any Hunter x Hunter characters.**

**EDIT: **Companion piece to "How She Was." One is not necessary to understand the other, but I think they complement one another. ^^ **  
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_If I was how I was, would you love me? _

"Melody, are you alright?"

A seemingly natural smile. "Sure. I'm fine." _If you could hear my heartbeat, like I hear yours… _

"Good." A genuine smile.

_Those smiles… are so rare… so precious… _"I'm more worried about you; are you sure you've recovered? You were quite sick."

A small head-shake. "I'm okay, really. I just… overextended myself. We should both be able to take it easy for a while."

_If only… _A smirk. "Except for the shopping."

An even rarer laugh. "Yeah, except for that."

He seemed to glide over the ground, his feet small for a man. His golden hair shimmered in the slight breeze, and his eyes, though hidden behind dulled contact lenses, glittered with a strange light. I couldn't seem to take my gaze from his lithe form, and my ears tended to focus on only _his _heartbeat. It hurt me when his heart pounded so mercilessly, yet… when he was calm and, dare I say, _happy_, it was the sweetest sound in the world.

_If I was… how I was… perhaps something could happen. Perhaps… but I can't even _entertain _those ideas, not how I _am_. _

"We'd better catch up to the others."

With a short nod, I trudged after him, keeping my eyes fixed on the backs of his shoes.

_No… I will support you how I can. But not…no, never… never how I might have… so long ago. _

… … …

It wasn't unusual for me to dream about how things once were. This was only natural, of course, since the 'me' in the mirror wasn't what came to mind when I pictured myself. But my dreams had changed, after _he _came. And instead of being comforting, they became quite unsettling, almost frightening. Because _he _was there, and _he _saw me as I had been.

"Melody," he would say softly, and touch the long, silky hair that had once been a source of pride for me. I would often play music, for his ears only, and he would watch me with eyes that could never look at me in the waking world. Other times we would dance together, with music being provided by some invisible source. My body would move as it was once able to, the twists and turns that I had once been so good at, taken such pride in. _He _would praise them, as so many once had, hands gliding across my body as he joined the dance.

"You are beautiful," he would whisper, and I would laugh. "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." And he would caress my cheek and bring his face close to mine; I would be able to taste his sweet breath, and rest my arms around his neck.

"I would starve without you," he would continue, pressing his face into the crook of my delicate neck. "I would die if I could not see you; hear your voice; feel you." I would tremble with pleasure at his touch, returning his embrace and wishing for even more, wishing that I could take him into my very self. His strong, lean body would ripple under me as he wove back and forth against me, and we would forget about everything but the feel of each other.

When I woke from such a dream, I would be caught between cold horror and electric pleasure. I would rise, no matter what the hour, and drench myself with cold water in a vain attempt to erase the impression of his touch on my skin. I might cry; I might simply sit, wide awake, for the remainder of the night. Whichever happened, I could not return to sleep for the fear of meeting him once again.

And, more often than not, I could hear his heartbeat throughout the entire night. I could pick that sound out of a crowd of a million, and always honed in on it whether I wanted to or not. On some level it comforted me; on some other, it dragged a searing dagger though my own heart.

… … …

It was as though the rain could wash away the impurities that had long ago crawled beneath my skin and defiled my flesh. My hair fell in a satin curtain over my shoulders as I gazed up into the stormy clouds, squinting into the cascading droplets.

_Wash it away… wash it all away… _

"Melody?"

I turned to him, my heart skipping a beat as I smiled. "Kurapika."

He stood beneath the awning of the Nostrade mansion, peering out into the gale. I smirked at his unwillingness to get his feet wet.

"What are you doing?" he called softly, and I shook my head.

"Just listening to the music of the rain," I replied, brushing my soaking hair behind my ear.

My eyes widened as he stepped out, one hand up in a futile attempt to ward off the downpour. Wincing as he was soaked in a heartbeat, he sighed and gave up, arm dropping to his side as he approached.

"You'll catch your death," he said, not unkindly, and I rolled my eyes.

"I suppose I should heed your advice," I admitted, but then returned my gaze to the roiling sky. "However… the feel of the rain… makes me hope-"

I came up short as his hand landed on my shoulder, and glanced up at him, confused at the rare show of emotion. He smiled down at me, making my heart flutter.

"Come on in," he urged. "Besides, _I'm _not a fan of the rain."

I closed my eyes, chuckling softly, then. "Alright, let's head in."

And, in that instant, being at his side was the only place I wanted to be.

**(A/N) What did you guys think? I liked it. ^^ Reviews are defiantly appreciated, and feel free to sub me if you're a fan of Melody, and want to see more of her. :D **


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